Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.