[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
You Might Also Like
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.