When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
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Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
If a snake ate a cake
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it