If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
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Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”