The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
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the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing