Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
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Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”