I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
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Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Nice try Hitler
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?