Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
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I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.