Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
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Is there a class for just the karate noises?
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Wednesday
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*