My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
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My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Thinking about Jeff
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.