I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
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You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons