”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Breaking news:
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁