My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
that wasn’t the question
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs