[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
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GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
channeling her this year
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
This forever.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together