Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Wake me when AI does housework
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it