Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
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YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right