Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
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Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.