I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
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“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Oh my god
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
turning my gender off to conserve energy
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees