When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
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DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
brian had himself a morning…
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.