I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
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You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.