The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
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No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
This one’s “Alex”.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.