me making someone eat a chip with my mind
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Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Just had my nails done!
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
School be like
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.