Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
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Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Many hands make light work