Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
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Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
My work here is don’t.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.