Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
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This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…