[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
You Might Also Like
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
repaired
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
ouch