Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
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If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Cashiers are always checking me out
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.