I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
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All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
It be like that sometimes 😆
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.