Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Running from your problems is cardio .
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?