Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
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*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
(Gaming support cat.)
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load