Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Me checking my bank balance online.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
honestly, i need both:
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.