I’d rather go liquor treating.
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need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
The funk soul brother
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Lmao 🤣
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine