Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
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Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.