Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.