I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
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[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
looks legit
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
i can’t wait that long
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.