I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
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You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you