Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
You Might Also Like
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener