I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
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Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Children of the corn 🌽
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet