The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
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AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I’m not wrong
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
can’t bark with your mouth full
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Huge, if true.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies