In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
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I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*