A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
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I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
crying
bears
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
#NoRestForTheWicked
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Erm…
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.