This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
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Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.