Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Feel. He’s so soft.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed