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Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal