I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
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My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
back to work
not to brag, but mine was free
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there