pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
You Might Also Like
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.