“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
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unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad