The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
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If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..