There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
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[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I know
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?