*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
You Might Also Like
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.